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Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
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Saturday, November 14th, 2009
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Creative and emotional, looking for ways to further expand those qualities. Looking for a partner who enjoys the same activities. Seeking adventure and new and unusual activities. Her normal flexible and stubborn attitude has become weakened because she feels overworked, tired and as if she is stuck in a rut. The situation seems helpless and is causing her to physically feel the strain, she is searching for a solution but she is unable to make a decision on how to go about making the changes. Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence. Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally. She is satisfied and finds contentment through sexual activity. She feels life in general is handing her too many difficult and unpleasant things, but no one else seems to agree with her. She is resistant to joining in with others and want to be left alone. Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control, leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and inadequate. She tends to act out as a way of covering up her short comings and blames other people for her failures.
halp. things are going alright i guess, but is this as good as it getz?
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Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
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i am so excited for the future!!!
one sentence entries ftw
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Friday, September 4th, 2009
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aside from my mom and dad (and me!), nobody in my family lives in north carolina anymore. everyone is spread out around the country. it's so strange when everyone grows up and moves on to their own life. i am envious of, happy for, and missing my sisters.
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Friday, August 14th, 2009
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i love cooking dinner, cleaning, working out, and trying to eat healthy. my camera is full of photos of my (3) cats, and amy's little baby, christian. what is happening to me? i like it. i'll always hate changing the litterbox(es) though.
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Friday, January 30th, 2009
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my parents left for a cross-country trip together on tuesday, in an effort to rekindle their friendship and repair things. now they are in arkansas, and my mom went in an ambulance and is in ICU with pneumonia completely filling both lungs. i never understood how much it means when someone asks you to think of someone or pray for someone. now i do. i just want everyone i know to please, please, please think of my mom.
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Thursday, January 29th, 2009
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why do i feel like i have wasted the past 6 or 7 years building relationships with people that i have no interest in being around? i'm trying to pinpoint the exact reasons as to why i hate this place so much. i just applied for a new job, working at the same video game company as josh and adrian. the secretary position just opened up. mad bank, benefits, and lime green walls. *cross your fingers*
i am tired and i miss joshua and he hasn't even been gone for a whole day.
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Saturday, January 17th, 2009
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i can't believe i have not written in here since april 2008. welllll....yes i can.
in the past...nine (?) months..
i had wonderful holidays, this year. i never thought i would be able to say that, but here i am. thanksgiving was just GREAT. this year i had more of an appreciation for it than ever before. christmas was alright, i'm never that into it. i think i'm pretty much over new years plans and the annoyance that comes with them. i had no interest in runnin' around places this year. i spent the evening in my apartment, with josh, sam, ellen, my mom and dad, wine, champagne, and herbs aplenty. it was the best new years eve i've had in years!
james and i broke up a really long time ago. that is really all i have to say about that. no more starbucks, ever. i got fired in july and it turned out to be a beautiful disaster. i'm so thankful that i am no longer there. now i work full time at an optometrist office (and i will always notice how your glasses look on you, now) and i work a night (sometimes two nights) a week at caribou coffee. i moved to downtown raleigh, hoping for a refreshed view of life. you know..maybe it will be more fun, more things to do, i'd be around more friends. eh...not all i had hoped for. but i'll get into that later. my hair is past my shoulders! ..for the first time in YEARS. i'm planning on just growing it and growing it.
i've been with joshua for 7 months now. we live together, with our roomate adrian. i never thought it was possible to be with somebody and not want to kill them all the time. i look forward to seeing his precious little face every single day. never have i had somebody be so sweet or do so much for me. never, ever. everyday i think about what he has done for me, and what i feel like he rescued me from. i cannot be mad at him for longer than 5 minutes, no matter what! he's going to arizona (all his family is there) for a long weekend at the end of the month, and i am dreading bein' here by myself. aw, he's over in the corner of the bedroom painting a picture for his mom right now. sweet lil babe.
in spring/summer we are taking a trip! arizona, then san diego! i cannot wait to be on the beach in california!!! i can't wait to see a HUUUUGE CACTUS. i've never been able to do things like this. i want to sweat my face off in arizona and walk around and buy shit and get tan in san diego.
throughout these past months, i have made a really big decision for myself. i thought moving downtown would change my mind. i never seriously thought about moving, i've always been happy here. but..i...well, i'm just over it. i'm over raleigh, wake forest, wilmington...north carolina in general. josh has always disliked it here, and is only here for his job. we are talking about when and where to move. i think possibly when our lease is over in november, we may be PEACIN' OUT! somewhere to the west, somewhere warm, and somewhere with no southerners. i have been feeling incredibly stir crazy, here. ever since we came to the decision of moving, i just cannot fucking WAIT. i do not have a doubt in my mind. my tolerance for the "things to do" and the people here is just...gone. there's nothing here for me, anymore. i will miss my family, and the couple people who have remained good and true friends. but even aubrey and the kids are going to be moving back to new york.
oh yeah, and fuck north carolina laws.
and wednesday is my birthday, but birthday's aren't fun anymore.
bye!
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
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+ washington, dc
+ goin' to nyc!
+ the movie cashback! loved it
+ wanting to smoke and then finding weed on the floor
+ hair growing!!
+ kind words from unexpected people
+ roxanne
+ and nikol
+ and ed
+ moving in 9 days!
- making myself fall and smash my back into a bookcase
- throwing a cup of water on james
- chucking a phone at my mom
- losing temper in general, must fix
- being ashamed
- MY CAR DOOR
- actually, my entire car
- rip nisha, bear bear
something is weird, right now. we are moving into our new apartment on april 18th of this year. we moved into our last one on april 12th of 06. james came to my work yesterday and brought all my shit and broke up with me. it was april 8th. we've broken up one other time, i was working, and it was april 7th of last year. we had to put nisha to sleep on april 3rd of this year, and i had to put my dru baby to sleep on april 4th of 05. i don't know what to expect next..but it's probably going to be something that i've already been through, and it will probably happen around the same time it happened last time. don't worry, everything is ok...kinda. my point is just that something straaaange is goin' on. i don't know, maybe i am looking too far into it.
also, is it possible to be too forgiving?
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Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
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so far, 2008 has sucked. it has sucked total ass.
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Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
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Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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ahhhhhhh, big sigh of relief.
i'm so happy that sam is back in raleigh. it feels great to have reconnected with him on all the aspects of our lives and what we've been thinking about lately. i think that he is able to help me a lot because at the moment, our lives are kinda similar. i feel like being a good friend to him is really important right now, and i love that when i'm around him, i feel cared about. i don't feel like i'm burdening him with things that i might want to talk about, and at the same time, i also truly want to hear and help him with anything that he has going on.
being the "last" person to find something out, when i thought i normally would have been the first, really sucks. and hurts. probably hurts more than sucks. i don't know if i've changed a lot, or if some of my friends have. it seems that i have a hard time relating to alllmost all of them, now. maybe i over-analyze things, or maybe i expect too much out of a friendship, or maybe i just expect too much out of PEOPLE in general. do i have a warped view of what a friendship is?!! i don't think i do.
i don't know, um. i guess feeling like this is actually good for me. it kind of makes me not really mind being so far away, because i don't really ever have the urge to go to raleigh to see anyone. oh, who am i kidding. it really depends on the day, the mood, the amount of sleep, or the amount of drugs swallowed or smoked. instead of a refill of vicodin, the dentist now gave me codeine. so, WORD to that.
man. i totally feel like i'm wandering around with absolutely no idea how i feel about ANYTHING. don't get me wrong, i don't really mean that in a bad way. i'm laying here in the bed, and i feel completely comfortable, content, and calm. i'm gonna grow my hair out.
aight, time to go holla at my baby froggies. bye!
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Monday, September 17th, 2007
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i felt really great on saturday night but i guess what they say is true, because now i feel fuckin' terrible.
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Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
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ever since i moved back to youngsville, i feel so isolated from everyone that i know. i've always liked to think that i was somebody who could not be a part of things, and still be content. nope.
it just sucks to have admit that i honestly don't think i can be happy unless i see people everyday, and take part in things that people i know are doing....even when i don't REALLY even CARE about what they're doing! i just want to know. i just want to be there, and be a part of it all. i want to be in the pictures, i want to be in the memories, i want to know people, and i want them to know me.
i can't stand driving fifteen minutes to see james, thirty-five minutes to see nikol, and forty fucking minutes to pick up some weed. i hate how i can't drive around the corner to see anyones face at any time, i miss monday-friday movie nights in me and james' old room, and i miss living next to cook-out. i feel lonely and left out, and it sucks that people are calling me less and less because they know i live too far away to go hang out for a little bit before work in the morning. or hang out EVER, for that matter.
this is all so childish.
anyways, i guess it's all worth it, because i'm getting out of debt and fixing my car and living a (money-wise) stress free life. i wish i could be moving in with nikol and mary taylor this month, but i know that it's in my best interest to just STAY at my parent's house and FIX THINGS. stay, amanda. staaaaaaay.
i'm just thankful for james. if it weren't for him, i would probably be pretty bad off. i couldn't ask for a better friend, or boyfriend. he's there through thick and thin, and i know he always will be.
anyways, if anyone is reading this, i probably miss you, and i wish that i wasn't totally MIA.
love,
amanda
i just noticed that my default picture is three years old. i look the same.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, April 7th, 2007
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well. i guess it's time for this chapter in my life to be over. frankly, i am a little bit relieved. but at the same time, i'm severely afraid that my life is going to go back to the shitmess of absolutely nothing that it used to be, before james was there. i think i might just need a few good friends, something to motivate me, and someone to help me move all my shit to a new homestead. and probably like, an epiphany, or something.
gah.
the end.
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Monday, January 8th, 2007
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thumbs up for bringing in the new year with faces that i love sooooo much, thumbs up for next weekend off, thumbs up for warm weather, thumbs up for my new lappytop, thumbs up for a scanner darkly and little miss sunshine, and thumbs up for loooooooooooooooooooOOooooOOOve. ahahah, it's almost birthday tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime, happy birthday to ME.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
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| Time: | 6:32 pm. |
| Mood: | content. |
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i'd like it if someone would come over and play mario-kart with me, because james won't ever play!
this summer has been one that most likely, will go down in (my) history. i'm painfully broke and i don't have any car insurance at the moment, but it's alright because that rather large issue will soon be fixed. after my apartment literally being an a"party"ment for the entire summer, i've been spending a lot of time slowly piecing it back together. in the last week i've actually cleaned, and hung pictures, put things on the mantle, and james and i actually have an amazingly comfortable new bedset with a matching shower curtain! on august 2nd, my apartment hosted the last party, and i must say, it was quite a big bash and a great way to end the destruction. the place is actually starting to look..dare i even say...nice? maybe i will just be safe and say that it is looking better.
i've talked to amy and i have completely forgiven her for the ways that she wronged me. it doesn't matter to me what anybody else thinks, because in my heart i believe that it is the right thing to do. i cannot forget it, and i am definitely going to be wary for awhile, but i see it as wrong to let years of best-friendship fizzle out because of a drug. another thing, she is just looking so healthy and happy and i couldn't be happier knowing that she has quite possibly quit...for good.
things with nikol were patched up, and i couldn't be any happier with that situation. granted, things will never, ever be the same. i know what i did wrong, and i don't expect her to ever want to be as close to me again. hanging out with her is something i wasn't sure was going to be possible, and i am satisfied with just that, for now. maybe things will change in the future, who's to say.
after years of drinking with the sole intention of becoming completely incoherent and belligerent, i've finally tired of it. i am tired of hurting the people that i care the most about, and not remembering it. i am tired of hearing about it from other people. and i am tired of only being able to say "i'm sorry, i was drunk." i will admit that when i drink, i do horrible things and make terrible decisions. so, i'm done with it! not completely, of course. i could always go for a glass of wine here and there.
just, i don't know. mainly...everything has just seemed to come together perfectly this summer. i feel like i've learned so much, and i honestly feel like i am a better person than i was one year ago. oh! amy and i also actually hung out with DREW COLLINS. it was totally awesome to see him, i mean. what's it been? like two years. the only thing that i am not pleased with is the amount of people i've seemed to lose contact with over the past few months.
i am sorry that this is written so POORLY, but i am in a rush.
videoish
aight yo.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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i love my apartment...i love the people i live with...things are running wonderfully and smoothly. i don't things could be any better. unless i had a doggy
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Sunday, February 5th, 2006
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if you're wondering why i don't write in here anymore, it's because i got a new journal
but you probably weren't wondering
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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
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i've been stressed out lately, and i rang in the new year with no voice. it's alright though, because i was in wilmington and i was able to watch the ocean. i got sent home early from work today for being so sick and so...voiceless, and i'm typing from the library because i no longer have a computer. BUT, i have a digital camera from jesse, awesome friends, a job i enjoy, and a place to go if that's what it comes down to. things will work out. i'm really just trying to make the best out of this.
bye.
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